Why you feel lost
The Unknown Feeling
For many students, college is probably the first time they are confronted with a feeling that goes on to often become a constant companion of most of their 20s and even 30s. This is the feeling of a ‘low grade anxiety’ -of something not being right, despite by the benchmarks of the world everything being right. You have perhaps managed to make it to the most elite of the institutions of the country, gotten exposed to and worked with the best of talent, and yet you feel drained, empty and somewhat non excited. Many young people enter college with high expectations, only to find themselves feeling directionless and uncertain about their future. This sense of being lost often stems from a critical gap: the lack of intentional self-development during these formative years.
We often tend to ignore this feeling, and move on - because that is characterized as the natural and more powerful thing to do. March on is what soldiers do. But ask a soldier to march on without knowing which country is theirs and/or what are they fighting for and you can anticipate a rebellion. When it comes to our own lives tho, we march on like soldiers fighting the battles that come at us without asking the very fundamental question of ‘Who’ are we fighting for?
This is the irony of the modern education and societal systems. We have created systems and conditioning that skip the most fundamental question answering which anchors the development of the rest of the aspects and most of the adult life.
The question of ‘Who am i’.
An Identity Crisis
And instead we have devolved into treating the human as an economic unit and anchored his or her development, around ‘employability’, ‘skills’ and ‘productivity’.
To put it via the soldier analogy - we have trained the soldiers in the skills, efficiency, and tool usage without giving them the identity of their country and the core purpose they are fighting for. No wonder, an inner rebellion in the form of a ‘low grade anxiety’ persists in many where there is a seed of perception or self-awareness.
In the safe and familiar confines of our homes, this feeling does not arise because we do not have to make choices or decisions that depend on having a guiding system. Most of the things are pre-defined and given to us, whereas as we enter the adult life is when for the first time we are pushed into situations where we require a sense of self.
Development and exploration of self and identity, was the core of the human teenage for much of the history until industrialization. Every culture had norms, rituals, and rites of passage that helped create a sense of ‘who am i’ by providing a set of values, preferences (borrowed or biased perhaps), rooting identity, and career pathways. This was accompanied by social integration via duties and responsibilities being conferred and peer groups acting as training grounds for cooperation and alliance building. Play, risk, and exploration formed another pillar of adaptative learning
As industrialization and financialization has progressed however, smaller family sizes, increased economic overwhelm and the evolution of educational systems from character development to a focus on ‘technical skills’ and ‘knowledge acquisition’ has stripped the youth of the formative experiences that focus on self and character development and give them a chance to understand themselves - their values, strengths, passions, and purpose. Students excel in classes yet feel empty because they haven’t developed the self-awareness needed to make meaningful life decisions.
This has led to an identity and agency crisis.
Students are being shipped into the real world to fight the day to day real life without a grounding.
This is perhaps why you feel lost. You are fighting a battle without knowing your strengths, the cause you are fighting for, or the terrain you are fighting on.
There are quite a few downstream effects of this lack of ‘self-development’. More specifically:
How It manifests
Opting for safer and prescribed paths:
Without mechanisms and time for introspection, students move through college on autopilot, following prescribed paths without questioning whether these align with their authentic selves. The prescribed paths work well till a certain point but true success demands mastery, and depth in the field. It is then, that one finds him/herself unable to commit to the field and immersively give it one’s whole self. Prolonged friction, disconnection and lack of commitment reduced the growth and learning, thus impacting satisfaction and even economic return.
Think of it like an investment in a fund - an investment today into things that are not a good fit for your portfolio will give much lower returns in the longer run due to effects of compounding. Safer and prescribed paths therefore can delay the inevitable confrontation with finding your true self but can not avoid it for eternity.
Paralysis in choices and decision making
Students get conditioned to seek approval from peers, parents, and institutions rather than developing their own internal value system. This dependence on external validation leaves them rudderless when faced with decisions that require self-knowledge. College offers unprecedented freedom and choices regarding majors, careers, relationships, and lifestyles. However, without a strong sense of self, this abundance of options becomes paralyzing rather than liberating.
Students don’t know what to choose because they don’t know who they are.
Comparison Culture and The Pressure To Have It All Figured Out
The constant exposure via social media to curated versions of others’ lives intensifies feelings of inadequacy and confusion. Instead of focusing on their own development journey, students measure themselves against unrealistic standards, further disconnecting from their authentic path
Society expects young people to declare majors, choose careers, and map out their futures by age 20. This pressure is unrealistic given we have stripped them of all the mechanisms and societal systems that enabled them to have this clarity and understanding.
Disconnection From Purpose and Meaning
Without investing in self-development, students struggle to identify what gives their life meaning. They pursue conventional markers of success—grades, internships, job offers—without understanding whether these align with their deeper purpose, leading to achievement without fulfillment.
What can you do
Why you feel lost is perhaps not because of you. It is perhaps because society has stripped you of the systems, mechanisms and perhaps even awareness of the role development of self plays and the importance of developing it in teenage years. This realization dawns much later in life but as the awareness grows, the ability to realign and make changes decreases.
If you have these systems, and mechanisms via family or other channels - leverage them and make self development your most important priority. If you do not have access to support systems or mechanisms to help do that - learn about it and try to take it on your own. But most definitely pursue it because you can not walk without developing a spine and the ‘self’ is the psychological spine.